My name is Mark Eldish, and I write funny.
I’m tempted to leave it there, because I’m not actually convinced that anyone reads these autobiographical pages in the first place. However, on the off-chance that you came here because you really want to know a bit about me, and not simply because you accidentally pressed the wrong button, I’ll do my bit by sharing Seven Things You Need to Know…
1 – My name is Mark Eldish. Yes, I know I already told you that a few seconds ago, but I’m still counting it as an essential fact, so it warrants repetition. Besides, it’s my website, so I’ll write what I damn well like. Unless you’re my editor, in which case you still have to ask nicely.
2 – I write comedy novels. My first is Gary Fenton’s Second Chance, and I’m currently working on the second. The next book will be a follow-up to the first, because I like the characters and I think there is still plenty for them to do. That might surprise those of you who have already read GFSC, but God works in mysterious ways. (Bless her.)
3 – I’m British, so I tend to use British English, which means writing the words colour instead of colour, arse instead of ass and pavement instead of sidewalk. Interesting bit of trivia: I only ever use the word fanny in a private setting.
4 – Some people are averse to profanity, but I’m not one of them. I view profanity as a handy kind of verbal shorthand, and I often find that you can say most things that need to be said with just four letters.
5 – I am six-four, built like a Greek god and hung like a donkey.
6 – Unlike some authors, I actually like to chat with my readers. Don’t believe me? Then look me up on Twitter @eldish_mark and say hello.
7 – Only six of these seven statements are true.
So, there you have it. You now know more about me than my next-door neighbour. All she knows is that I’m a very fetching bald bloke who works from home. I like it like that, so be sure to keep all of this personal information to yourself, and may all your days be golden.